Week 5 : The Estranged “Family”

I finished watching a total of 4 short courses over the last 2 weeks and now I’m starting the week feeling completely overwhelmed with online courses, studying, or exams of any kind. This life is so dreadful but you don’t need me telling you that. I feel tired and exhausted, and I want to be free. Free from being responsible for my own wellbeing. At times I wonder how long can I even hold onto this and keep myself together. I did not sign up for this conventional work every single day till you die crap. I think for this week I might go for 2 units a day on Duolingo as I need to learn German as well. Something to make myself feel that I’m not wasting my life.

As I had mentioned in the previous articles, I moved out last year and have been living by myself. My mom moved out to a different city after a couple months of me leaving. I don’t think she would’ve done that had I not moved out. Growing up, I didn’t exactly have a stable home environment which I guess is the case for most of us in the world, especially in this country. Seeing different forms of abuse as a child messes you up beyond repair. Physical, verbal, financial, emotional; you name it, I got it. Over time, the physical abuse stopped but others continued.

Anyway, my sister, father, and paternal grandmother live together now. I used to visit them about once a month but with every visit my father’s behaviour started to become too intrusive and controlling. Constantly asking me to move back and telling me shit like I am responsible for the family. Says the person who didn’t even do the bare minimum that children need. The lowest form of human who doesn’t even care and is least bothered about his wife of 30 years. Mom has been working a job but it’s not enough and is barely making ends meet.

My father verbatim said, “I’m there for you but only if you listen to me”. You are free to assume or interpret that listen here basically means obey. It’s just another way of saying that I have enough money that no one in the family ever has to be a corporate slave or worry about an income but only if everyone does what I tell them to do. So I visit them and it’s the same story with the added feature of you should get married. How ridiculous? Kept asking me to move back in. It was traumatic and I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Another thing, I did not feel anything at all for anyone in the house when I visited. It was as though a switch was turned off permanently in my brain. They’re just the family I was born into. I’d say the jury's still out, I don’t know if I was adopted. There hasn’t been a single time where I get a call from him and I don’t start hyperventilating or have my anxiety shoot up. See what I said about beyond repair? I did make sure to get some really nice food in return though.

I guess that’s another sour sad reality of life. People unqualified and unfit to be parents keep having kids. This curse ends with me. I never had good male role models growing up and just a couple female ones. Seeing my family, I knew whatever my father has done, I have to do the opposite of that. That was my basic rule of thumb. I guess a lot of you can relate to the strong resolve that you do not want to turn into your parents when you grow up. Trying to create your own chosen family; a house that feels nothing like the one that you grew up in. It’s a life challenge that only ends with death. I started exploring TV shows and movies and ended up doing just that all day everyday and never stopped I guess. For someone who was at an impressionable age, watching TV shows and seeing a lot of different aspects of life, learning from it, was quite a wonderful ride. It put a lot of things into perspective for me and piqued my interest in philosophy and psychology. You know that dialogue from Community? “TV’s the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me.” The first time I watched it was in self-isolation while I was going through severe depression back in 2020. TV taught me more lessons than my father ever did. I have worked and fought hard to have a separate life outside of family and not have them intrude or involve in any of my decisions or how I live my life. That is something that is never going to break, that’s for sure.

This is obviously not the full picture but a little gist of the current situation. There are much worse things which I’ll probably save for later. I didn’t do much this week anyway. It was the usual for me. Study, eat, walk outside for 30 minutes, and do chores. I guess a lot of relationships are ruined because of how our entire societal construct functions. Parents have no shame or humanity blackmailing their own offspring who are full-grown adults well into their 20s. This was also something Arya and I had spoken early on. It was one of the things that made us think that we would be compatible with each other.

Don’t get me wrong, there were good times in my childhood, with some old friends, new ones in college, and even my solo outings and trips. Not that I’m in contact with anyone. I had changed my number a few years ago. Eventually past a certain point, you need to and have to stop blaming your parents for your current life; something that I had to come to terms with. There aren’t many times where I feel good about myself. I like to wallow in self-loathing and self-destruct. But ever since I can remember, I always wanted my family to be completely separate from the family I was born into, even if that means it’s just me or probably with a couple of pets. And since spending the last year with Arya, it has made me feel better about myself. The unconditional acceptance I have felt and the understanding and patience I’ve gotten has been beyond my wildest dreams. One big sad article to say that I live in a fantasy world with my delusions and imagination. I’ve been feeling a little more depressed and lower than my usual baseline and I didn’t know what else to write about.

Food Update of the Week

Based on a comment on Reddit, I tried out NOTO’s ice-cream bars and went with the Hazelnut Crunch and Fudgy Brownie. This is the 2nd week where I ordered them again. I loved their hazelnut crunch bar. I am obsessed with how hazelnuts taste with chocolate and it has been difficult trying to find good quality products. Most of the generic brands taste artificial and/or contain too much sugar. One of my all time favourites is The Butternut Co.’s Chocolate Hazelnut Spread, especially the crunchy one. Not to mention Suchali’s Hazelnut Croissant, chef’s kiss! Still on the lookout for the perfect hazelnut gelato though.

We didn’t get anything new or fancy this week. Considering I’m on a low budget, I finished up the parathas at home, got meals from the local kitchen, and ate cereal. We ate sandwiches from Sandwizzaa over the weekend when Arya came over. I have been having their sandwiches since I was 10 years old. My aunt used to get them sometimes while coming back from work back when I was a kid. Arya had never heard of it before and it was her first time trying out the brand. She did like the sandwiches and said they were really good.

I got iD’s Aloo Paratha and Paneer Paratha to try. Compared to Aashirvaad’s, these were a total let down. They did not taste as good and felt like rubber in terms of texture. They have maida (refined wheat flour) in them so I thought maybe it’d taste just as good, but to no avail, I was disappointed. Avoid these; you’re not missing anything in the world of frozen foods. iD has good Malabar Parotta though.

Binge-Watching Update of the Week

I had started watching This Is Us in the middle of 2020 and it got so emotional for me that I had to stop watching after a few episodes. I thought of giving it another try this week. It’s beautifully written and edited, the storytelling is so powerful, and for someone who did not grow up in a stable household since birth, it made my heart hurt. This show has its moments and will break you.

Thank you for reading :)

Catch you in the next one, peace.