Week 3 : Freedom, But At What Cost

5 minutes after my shift ended on the last working day, I felt so damn weird I can’t describe. It’s such an unsettling feeling. Whom will I help? Whose concerns will I address? From tomorrow, there will be no one who will reach out to me for assistance. I will miss my colleagues reaching out to me with random huddles and G-Meets. Helping people has always given me fulfilment. I will also miss those two little Chrome and Slack shortcuts on my laptop that I’ve had for the last 4 years.

I was reading up on some articles and learnt that the treatment for depression is different from treatment for burnout. I may not have the money for either treatment. I have been feeling so overwhelmed that I have to do something to exist, work, and keep myself alive. I do not want to be forced into doing something I don’t want or like just to sustain. I know it’s the reality of life and there are some who have it worse; I’ve heard it all. It feels like there are little parts of me that are slowly dying with each passing day with no break in sight. I would absolutely love to do nothing, cook at my leisure, do some colouring, maybe take long drives, and just exist in my infinite pit of sadness. That’s probably why I’ve quit, I guess, to do nothing. I lay in bed this not so fine evening with a foggy brain, crying my eyes out, trying to make sense of the garbage in my brain, typing this out on my phone hoping penning down words helps me deal with my illness to an extent.

Arya’s going out of state to attend a childhood friend’s wedding. Her first time travelling by air alone; I dropped her off at the airport with instructions and on the drive back home it felt like she’s going away for months. She isn’t though, she’ll be back in a day.

So Arya’s colleague at work is getting engaged this week where I was supposed to accompany her. Well, she asked me months ago and I said yes. Considering how antisocial we both are, I thought she’d skip it. Anyway, we both ended up going and it ran long and till late. It was nice to see her enjoy the function but man was it awkward. She knew just the bride and I didn’t even know anybody. I was just there as her plus one. It felt nice to be her plus one.

We funnily discuss how our hypothetical functions would be, IF EVER we had to have one. We just never want to get married, have any functions, or involve families in any way, shape, or form in our relationship. One of the reasons why we’ve been together for over a year. Anyway, her stating that she wants her event to be in a Marriott ballroom and me saying that if it’s Marriott, then might as well do it at a beautiful location in an elegant property, why a Mumbai Marriott? Oh, by the way, she just wants to wear pretty dresses and outfits all day, that’s about it. I told her we could totally pick 4-5 aesthetic restaurants in the city, do a lunch/dinner thing, and she could wear different outfits at each one. Knowing her, she’d probably wear multiple outfits at each restaurant.

I crash at her place and leave for home early in the morning. I start preparing myself mentally for the week that’s coming ahead. I am starting a course on LinedIn as a trial and if it’s bearable enough to study, I might do a detailed one on Coursera. I’ve been learning German on Duolingo for the last 200+ days or so; Arya got me hooked on it and she’s been at it for more than a year. I have also planned to take up Duolingo Super to brush up the previous units as well as aggressively study the language. Who knows, maybe it will go somewhere someday.

Bath & Body Works has an amazing sale going on with a lot of personal favourites, especially the Strawberry Pound Cake range. I got the candle as a birthday gift and this year we got the car fragrance. I came across the PocketBac recently. It seems they’re bringing different products in their current fragrances. What a sad time to be unemployed. I guess since I don’t have an income anymore, I shouldn’t go around spending money and shopping. Hopefully, someday.

For five years I had dreamt of shopping at BBW. After working for 2 years and saving up enough for a leisurely spend, I bought the Pear Creme Brulee FFM (their mist). Within the next 2 years, I ended up with 10 of their candles. I don’t know how or why, but some of their fragrances have a way of putting my brain immediately into a state of calm. Something that only specific foods have done for me in the past. So Arya is not much into fragrances as it irritates her and gives her a headache if they’re too intense. But over the last year, I guess our monthly visits to BBW have been rubbing off on her. She even bought the Japanese Cherry Blossom FFM and the Fresh Cut Lilacs PocketBac. I absolutely love visiting their stores with her. We try out different fragrances and products, daydream about things we’d buy together, and I’m in my own delusions of buying 50 different things. Exploring and trying to find out her very specific tastes and preferences has been so much fun. I have enjoyed it so much and it always fills my heart when we find something new she absolutely loves.

Food Update of the Week

So, first day of unemployment, I start thinking about what to have for lunch. I see Pizza Express has everything at ₹499 today. I add to cart as usual and the realisation hits - there is no income coming in next month. I go to my daily expense spreadsheet which I’m very proud of by the way and start calculating what my daily average for meals would be with and without the pizza. I guess I need to let go of certain pleasures for the next few months till I have some form of income.

Remember how I mentioned we got some Asian food last week? They sent a pair of chopsticks and Arya was disappointed with herself as to why it was taking this long for her to learn how to use them. We had been to Pa Pa Ya and Shizusan earlier this year where I showed her how to use them but considering her cute little tiny fingers, she wasn’t able to hold on to them. So after a couple days of constantly playing with them, she figured out a way and believe me when I tell you, those chopsticks did not leave her hand for days! She constantly kept playing with them, trying to pick up not just food but also random things in her sight. It felt so nice to see her this happy.

We got iD’s dosa batter and chutney along with their Malabar Parotta. We went with Aashirvaad’s frozen Aloo Paratha and Paneer Paratha since iD had a certain amount of maida in their stuffed parathas. Considering Arya’s South Indian, she totally approved of the Malabar Parotta, saying that it was authentic. I loved it obviously as she kept saying I’d love the authentic one since we had the same thing at Ikea 2 months ago. The parathas from Aashirvaad are a lifesaver for anyone who doesn’t want to spend too much time cooking. They’re lighter on the pocket compared to the restaurant parathas and whole wheat as well. I wish they put the same masala of paneer paratha in the aloo paratha as well. Arya said the aloo paratha filling tasted like samosa filling.

Binge-Watching Update of the Week

Finished watching Exploding Kittens. Oh, how I have missed Tom Ellis after Lucifer ended! The irony that he’s the voice of God on Exploding Kittens. Netflix better not cancel this one. I’ve been feeling off about starting a new show so I moved to watching a few movies. Got done with the Focker movies and rewatched Up in the Air.

Second day of unemployment and I thought maybe I should try watching Arcane. How good were the visuals?! And such an emotional storyline. Absolute beautiful work.

In the midst of the pandemic, I may have binged an unhealthy amount. The Chef Show was one of the shows that stood out for me. Especially after the movie, the show became therapeutic and too close to my heart. Not to mention how I nerded out seeing Jon Favreau on screen. I’ve been following Jon’s work since Iron Man and boy was I happy to see him in his element cooking and learning. The way the entire show is shot, the concept, the visuals, how colour coordinated the utensils are to the kitchen platform and surroundings; I don’t know if that was planned or just coincidence. I’m still in awe of the range this human has. Anyway, I introduced the show to Arya while she was here and it looked like she enjoyed watching it. She says she did. I may have distracted her a lot by breaking into random story mode and going on a nerd-tangent about the show, Jon, and Star Wars. We’re half way through and I hope she likes watching the rest. I’m watching it probably for the 5th time.

Thank you for reading :)

Catch you in the next one, peace.