Week 10 : Growing Older, Getting Nowhere

I have decided to take a break from writing the weekly articles. I have enjoyed writing these last 2 months and I hope I get a chance to get back at it soon. I realised that I have not been getting enough time and space to pen down my thoughts while learning German at the same time. I feel drained and my autistic brain can only do so much. I didn’t get any gigs from Upwork, pretty much no callbacks or interviews apart from the one I gave last month. I still don’t have a definitive source of income. It’s hard not to feel like a failure all the time.

Having said that, I have planned to start writing short educational articles which people learning German could refer to. Considering I have to spend a good amount of time studying, I might as well make my own notes and share them. Here’s hoping that more people view it and find it helpful.

What am I going to do next? I have no idea. I don’t know if I can keep learning German throughout the year without having an income. And having an income or a job of any kind will interrupt language learning. I don’t think I have the resources to study the language fully and then do a teaching diploma which takes two years. As much as I am absolutely loving and enjoying learning the language, reality hits hard, and I realise there’s a price to pay, sacrifices, and tradeoffs. I had to spend a considerable amount on travelling back and forth for the classes. My savings can only last me a couple years before everything I have is exhausted. I do not regret leaving my job one bit. After hearing about the new developments from ex-colleagues, I feel relieved that I don’t have to be in that situation anymore. How did the job market get this bad where almost every single person is miserable.

My last week was spent studying and pretty much resting; being a potato on the bed with no spirit or will left to do anything. I feel like the pressure to keep doing something or to immediately figure out a source of income is eating away at my brain and making me feel burnt out unnecessarily. I still am trying to force myself to think that it’s okay to take some time away from the strong capitalistic conditioned thoughts. Even if I’m trying to make something from scratch, it would take some time, obviously.

It feels like I’m in a constant cycle of self-hate, self-loathing, depression, and most of my energy is spent in just keeping it together or having a breakdown in a corner of my home. I spend an hour or so looking for remote jobs and sending applications for something that would let me keep my sanity while working. Watching a lot of animal and home pet videos helps. Made me think whether I should get a cat or something. Of course, the unemployed creature who can barely take care of themself, wants another one to take care of. But wouldn’t it be so nice to have a cute little pet at home? Dopamine and serotonin hits all day everyday. Yay sucky reality. I feel so tired and exhausted.

I’m not saying that I’ll never upload another article. But as long as I’m occupied with other things, it could be a little difficult.

Thank you for reading :)

Catch you in the next one, peace.