Week 1 : I Quit My Job Without A Backup Plan

Thoughts Before

How are you? How do you feel? How are you holding up? Questions I’ve been asked all my life, yet I could never figure out a good response to them. Probably why I hated being asked these questions.

I’ve lived in a box apartment by myself for a year; away from home, little to no-contact with the estranged family. I’ve worked remotely for the past four years in a monotonous field as it gave me sanity, but we’ll come to that later.

So why do I want to quit? The remote job that I joined years ago wasn’t going to be remote anymore. I guess the dreadful task of travelling 1.5 - 2 hours one-way just to reach the workplace wasn’t sitting well with me. But it wasn’t just the travel. It was the work I was doing this past year along with the folks I was working with. The environment wasn’t working out for me with micromanagement and unrealistic availability expectations that the majority of Indian workplaces have. Not to mention dumping work on folks just because they will do it without speaking up. Don’t get me wrong, the first couple years I worked were some of the best years I’ve had working a full time corporate job.

With no respect for personal space and boundaries that I’ve worked so hard to learn and set up for myself, I was not getting enough downtime to recover and recuperate. Constantly hyperventilating with a couple of anxiety attacks sprinkled here and there once every 2 weeks was not something I wanted my life to be. Feeling under appreciated and taken for granted at work was something I’ve not felt in the first 3 years of my career. The whole reason to move out and be away from family was to take care of my mental health and just learn how to not be sad with myself all the time.

I had been constantly thinking how long I could even sustain in a full time job. Personally, I honestly do not want to work or do anything remotely associated with work. I would just like to be. From what I’ve saved by working for 4 years, I could barely get by for just a little close to 2.5 - 3 years without earning a single penny. The thoughts constantly creep in that at least I have a job. What if I quit and don't end up with a paying job for the next year? I could do an online course or maybe get certified in a language. But who has the energy for it?

Not to mention how truly self-destructive my brain is with constant thoughts of self-deprecation and thinking how worthless I am if I am not working a job or if I don’t earn money, I am not useful or good for anything. Yay for childhood trauma.

The Dreadful Buildup

I spoke with the HR asking for flexibility with work timings where I would prefer to reach the office super early and leave by late afternoon. I check on the parking situation if I decide to travel by road. Mentally preparing myself to be around people and work. Something I tried in 2019 for 2 weeks and quit because I started getting seizures. I get to know everything is dependent on manager approval. The manager told me to check on work once I reach home after travelling for 2 hours. Seriously? Who wants to work after they’ve travelled for 2 hours? All this just to stay at a job and keep myself alive with a roof over my head.

A couple weeks ago, I was lounging around on my day off, watching TV shows, window shopping online, just recharging and trying to keep it together; I got a message from work where this person tells me to be available throughout the week including my day offs for some meetings.

Within a few hours, I ended up with severe sensory overload with an oncoming anxiety attack. I had to turn off all appliances, ceiling fans, and shut the windows. I couldn’t bear to hear the slightest of sounds. My body was shivering constantly and I was covered in sweat. Considering how I had been workshopping the idea of being unemployed, I decided that this was too much and within the next couple days I gave my 2 weeks notice citing health issues.

Done and Dusted

I mark my exit on the portal and finish my work handover. I was removed from meetings the same day. I was forced to work past my working hours on purpose and considering how petty folks are my clearances weren’t given despite me helping everyone in the team. I saw a total lack of ethics and integrity from people with whom I’ve worked for a good amount of time.

I have nothing lined up and nothing to look forward to. No job, no offers, no backups, no support from my rich father (it’s a long story in itself, we’ll talk about that some other time).

This is probably one of my last attempts at trying something out and hoping it works because I cannot get myself to work a conventional job in this world anymore. My girlfriend, Arya, the darling that she is, has been a constant support through this and encouraged me to quit and take a stand for myself. We brainstormed on a lot of ideas which could be executable easily for people like us and she suggested that I should maybe consider the possibility of writing for myself.

I know I can’t fit everything about me in one article. I’m just hoping putting down the dumpster fire chaos that is my brain into words helps. The articles may not have a theme and like an ADHD brain, it will contain random information and updates. I may have a touch of the ‘tism and that’s putting it lightly.

I have also been thinking about including little updates with regards to food and binge-watching in the upcoming articles. Let’s see how that works out.

Thank you for reading :)

Catch you in the next one, peace.